


Here With You

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey, the GazettE
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-06-20
Updated: 2007-06-20
Packaged: 2017-11-13 22:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seeking comfort in the darkness of the night, reaching out and finding nothing; realization that he's gone and he's never coming back. Pieces that need to be picked up and placed back together; the single person who can do it is a call away...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here With You

Die rolled over in his bed. Half awake, he blindly reached out into the darkness, feeling for the warmth he desperately needed. His hand came up empty in the darkness and he slowly sat up. The half fog of his mind cleared and almost immediately every muscle in his body stiffened. He let out a choked half sob as tears pricked at the back of his eyes.

"Kyo... oh god, Kyo..." Die's voice cut softly, painfully, through the darkness. No one would hear his words, but that didn't matter... it never had.

The black haired guitarist slowly pulled himself back against the headboard of the bed, drawing his legs up to his chest and burying his face against his knees. Silent tears slid down his pale cheeks as reality slowly filtered back to him. His shoulders shook with the power of his emotions as they poured out for what seemed like the thousandth time in less than two days. His slim fingers buried themselves into his shoulder length hair and yanked harshly.

"Why?" He turned his face toward the red glowing numbers of the alarm clock on his bedside table. "Why didn't I ever tell you?" The tears came again, this time more violently and a hell of a lot less quietly. Sorrowful sobs shook his entire frame. Ragged breathing and sounds that could only be called painful issued forth from the guitarist.

He untangled his fingers from his hair and reached out toward the desk, snatching up the one item that had kept him anchored in reality the past few days. He held the small silver cell phone lovingly cradled in his palm for a moment before pressing it against his heart and bowing his head. It was the only piece of Kyo that he had left for now, the only thing the hospital had let him leave with. Another sob left his mouth, his entire body wrenching forward with the power of it.

"Kyo... I-I just wanted... I didn't mean to..." Numbly he got up from the bed and half stumbled toward the bathroom. His shoulder hit the doorjamb as he shuffled through the door. It should have hurt, but he never felt a thing. He stopped in front of the sink and stared numbly at his reflection in the mirror. His hands fell to his sides and slowly the cell phone slipped from his fingers and clattered to the tile below. "If I hadn't... if only..." a few more tears tracked down his pale face and he violently swiped them away. "I shouldn't even be allowed to cry!" His hand lifted and slid across the mirror before forming into a fist and pulling back. His fingernails scraped heavily across the glass before leaving it, sending a sharp shiver down his spine. He squeezed his eyes closed and slammed his fist into the mirror, shattering it into a thousand pieces, splitting it like his own heart had been split.

He lowered his hand once more to his side and stood there breathing heavily, tears still running down his face. Drops of blood slowly slid from his fingertips to the ground below. Each drop that left his fingers found their way onto smooth silver metal, adorning the casing of the cell phone much the same way it had been when he'd seen it two nights ago.

He tilted his head back and let out an almost inhuman scream as he fell to his knees. He sat there on the cool tile and stared at his blood as it left his body. Thoughts raced through his mind, most of them thoughts he knew he shouldn't be having, some of them seeming like the best ideas in the world. Slowly he lifted his hand and stared at it as the blood slid down his forearm. "I never even stood a chance..."

Emotional brown eyes slid closed and he leaned his head back against the door. "Why, Kyo... why? I killed you... didn't I?" He leaned forward slightly and slammed his head back against the door. "I fucking killed you." His fingers curled into his favorite t-shirt and pulled until the material gave beneath his hands. The sound of ripping cloth filled the air. "I loved you and it killed you."

Images flashed in his mind's eye as useless words poured from his lips. Kyo smiling up at him the week before. Kyo embracing him before leaving to go home, a sad look in his eyes, something Die should have recognized. The final word Kyo ever said slipping past his lips in a gentle whisper, said with a soft smile as he pulled away. "Goodbye." Watching Kyo as he walked out the door of the nightclub and feeling his gut clench, knowing he should go after him and not quite realizing why. The phone call at three in the morning that was nothing but static. The panicked feeling as he drove to Kyo's home and forced his way in when there was no answer. The blood... oh god, the blood. His fingers frantically searching for a pulse, for anything. The stark knowledge that anything he did would be useless, but knowing he'd try anyway. His hands frantically pressing to try to revive a heart that didn't have enough blood to be revived. His lungs burning as he desperately tried to feed lungs that had long since stopped breathing. The cold feeling of the love of his life's flesh beneath his palms. The burning of the tears as he realized he was dead and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. The pain and anger welling up inside of him. The harsh gasping breaths as he dialed the police to report it. The feeling of Kyo in his arms as he waited, his face buried in the vocalist's hair as he cried his heart away. The sweet smell that was Kyo fading as he sat there. The feeling of having Kyo taken away from him and being yanked harshly to his feet and thrown into the squad car. The knowledge that no matter what he said, they though he'd killed him. The fear that everyone else would find out in the worst way possible. And then the sound of the small cell phone clattering onto the table of the small cement room and the faint words that saved him. He placed a call to you just before we put his time of death. He wanted you to find him. You're free to leave. The sound of the rest of his band mates crying into the phone as he relayed the news.

Die curled in on himself, hugging his knees tightly against his chest as he sobbed. 'I so much as told him the sun rose and set in him, yet I couldn't find the words I needed to confess my love to him. He died never knowing just how much I cared... just how much I could have been for him. He was my heart and soul, and now he'll never know.' Another sob broke free from him as he stared at the cell phone in front of his face. 'I want to die... to go with him. I can't live like this.' He reached out and clasped the cell phone in his hand. Slowly he flipped it open and pressed the power button. It twinkled to life, its cheery tone a stark contrast to the events it had become witness to as of late. Only it knew the entire truth of what exactly had happened.

Slowly he dialed the number of the only person he knew that wasn't trying to deal with Kyo's death already.

A slightly confused voice answered on the other end of the line. "Hello?"

"R-Reita..." Die's voice wavered slightly, almost in hesitation, "I need..." a soft sob escaped him and he broke down crying once more.

"Die..." A soft, sympathetic sigh issued from the phone, "are you at home?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be up there in a minute."

True to his word, a few minutes later there was a soft knock at the door to Die's apartment. Die didn't make a move to open it. Reita had had his key since he'd been released from the police station, so Die knew he'd have a way in. The bassist had picked him up from the station at the guitarist's request. He'd been far too ashamed to call any of his fellow band mates for a ride and he was in no shape to get back to Kyo's to get his car.

The sound of the key scraping in the lock indicated that Reita knew Die wasn't going to answer the door. The door opened and then shut. Soft footsteps headed down the hallway and Reita's deep voice called out in concern. "Die?"

Die's voice cracked as he let the bassist know where he was. "H-here..."

Reita appeared in the bathroom doorway. Almost immediately he was on his knees beside Die. He took the guitarist's hand into his own for a moment before releasing him and standing up. He grabbed a washcloth and wet it before dropping back down beside Die and beginning to clean his hand. He didn't ask questions, he didn't give Die any admonishing looks, he simply cleaned and bandaged him up.

That was part of what Die liked most about Reita. He accepted things as they were and went on with life. He hadn't asked anything more than if Die was okay when he'd come to the police station, but Die had ended up telling him most everything anyway. It had needed to come out and Reita always had been the perfect outlet for his emotions. The bassist had become Die's rock over the years, someone to run to when things went wrong, someone that he didn't need to hide his true self from. If he'd really thought about it, the look in Reita's eyes would have told him why. But Die had always been too absorbed in his own life, in his own emotions, to notice just how the bassist looked at him when they were alone. And Reita had never said it. He just wasn't the type to say something so big that it could break everything. His own emotions were perfectly shielded behind the mask he wore, the emotional one as well as the physical one he always kept firmly placed across his nose. Even now, in the middle of the night, it was there, baring the outside world from seeing everything written across his face.

Reita stood up and gently tugged Die to his feet as well. He led the guitarist down the hallway and into the living room. Gently he sat the older man down and brought him a glass of cold water. "Drink this... where's your broom?"

Die pointed at the hall closet and Reita nodded and padded off down the hallway to clean up the broken glass in the bathroom.

A few minutes later he returned, Kyo's cell phone in his hand, and sat down beside of Die. Silently he held it out to the guitarist. Die's fingers brushed against his as his hand curled around the small silver device and lifted it from his hand. Die's hands shook and the water in his glass came dangerously close to spilling over the side. Reita reached out and took the glass from him, setting it on the table behind them. His voice was soft as he pulled Die into his embrace. "You have to let him go... he's gone and he's not coming back."

Die closed his eyes and leaned back into Reita's arms, seeking the comfort of another humans warmth. "I can't... not yet. Give me time..."

Reita nodded and pulled Die closer, his fingers sliding over the ripped fabric of Die's t-shirt. "I'm here for you..." Silently he added the parts he knew he'd never say out loud, 'I'll be here no matter what. I'll be whatever you need for as long as you need it.' The bassist lowered his head to rest on Die's shoulder and he inhaled the guitarist's unique scent. 'I'll never let you fall. I'll wait until you're ready, until you see what I see when you look in the mirror. Even if I'm just a replacement, I'll find a way into your heart. I can heal what aches and I will.' His fingers trailed down Die's chest and came to rest, one splayed across his abdomen, the other pressing against his heart. "Rest... I'll be here when you wake... right here."

Die closed his eyes, his head resting back against Reita's chest. He let his weakened body take over and the delicate arms of sleep came and pulled him away, taking him back into a deep, dreamless sleep. For now, he was safe. For now... he could pretend.


End file.
